Thursday, February 23, 2006

I've been reflecting a lot lately, instead of writing, which I really should do sometime...

In philosophy class today, we were talking about states of consciousness, which led to talking about drugs. It seems that, if I've calculated this right, generally 70-80% of the school population, if not more, have done or are doing drugs or other types of narcotics. We were in a group of about 7 people, and definitely 4 of those people had done drugs, the other 2 didn't comment. The ones who spoke about their experiences also mentioned their friends who either sold drugs or had weird experiences doing drugs; Trippy experiences. Ah, yes. I am so up on the lingo.

In any case, this leads me to believe that I am the only one on the face of the earth (Yes, I am exaggerating a tinsy bit) that has not tried drugs or alcohol or what have you. Perhaps I am one of the few that is proud to be drug-free. But, you know what, I was thinking about it on the bus ride home and I realized that the reason I had felt pretty upstanding about not doing drugs was because society had taught me that they were bad. However, I realize now that I can make my own decisions, even if they may be fatal and criminal. I want to be in that crowd where they can go to the skate parks and trip out on acid and have hallucinations because they don't have anything better to do. I want to see reality melt away. I want to see the walls and the people melt away and the grids that hold up the fabric of reality that is the basis of our thoughts and dreams. Is that so wrong? Why shouldn't I be allowed to taste that reality?

God. I just want to be free for a while. I want to live in a different world. I wish I could recreate myself. These awful connections to everything. I want to shed off this skin, these attachments. I want to live and breathe and die in a haze. A blur of my existence. To see what lies beyond and have my own opinion of the world instead of letting the world tell me what to do, and who to be. Fuck the system for once. I want to be beautiful in a lingering type of way. I want to make out in street corners and fall in love with strangers. I want to live for the moment and melt away.

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