Stars drip down as fallen tears,
blackening as they roll.
They used to be so bright, shining glitter in your eyes.
No one can write your life as a fairy tale.
You used to smile at the cracks in the sidewalk.
Falling in an upside down umbrella as a black star.
No one can frown as beautiful as you.

In approximately 15-45 minutes, there will be trick-or-treaters at my door. This ismore frightening than I could possibly believe. I hate Halloween. Don't ask me why, because my answer will be more or less blah.
I feel like I'm not talking in my own voice, but hell, why buy a mattress anywhere else?

To Elly and her Lovely Photographs

1. The Hot Rod. I showed my Dad because he likes cars, and he said something about it being a GT and how you shot it wrong...then my mom told him it wasn't just about the car, but the angle and such. I thought that was funny.
2. Smudge!! The peek-a-boo picture. My favourite! I love it. Absolutely. Wow!
3. The story of my life - how did you get that lighting? A-mazing.
4. Toe - So graceful. :)
5. Sky Fire - when was this? and why is it so amazingly awesome?
6. Rose - looks like a greeting card picture!
7. My Wall - Ha!! Yay!! hehehe.....ooooh, hurray! That's...so insanely cool.
8. Some Weirdo - AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *hides under desk and screams some more* (p.s : There's something pink in the background...weird-ish? lol.)

Oh, and elly, have you seen the new eminem video? (no, not 'just lose it'...it's called 'mosh' and it's against the president, george bush, pretty much. I thought of you when I saw it!)
Oh and for anyone else, I was also watching music television and I saw a music video called 'Imagine' (which was redone...) by 'The Perfect Circle', I think. Anyway...you should see it. It's really really 'wow'. I mean...really.
Oh and another song I like is 'Nobody's Home' by Avril Lavigne. Very nice.

Oh, and I met my future husband. Well...not really met...kind of saw in the foyer and fell in love with instantly...he's not even in any of my classes. This sucks....hehe...and I love him, even though I've seen him only once and don't even know what his personality is like. *sigh*
Oh, and Jesse...I saw Jeff in his costume today! Hehe...funny. Oh..and Veronica is back. But you know that.
Okay,...I should leave now and stop wasting space.

I'm sabotaging myself. I'm always sabotaging myself and I can't seem to stop.

I hate everything.

And whilst you sit in your own sour discontent, it shall become you.

This is odd. I thought of it in gym class and it kept repeating in my head. Weird. It may not be exactly correct but it was something very much like that.

Someone send me a boo bag, damn it! :)

I was going to write my article about 'Misconceptions in Common Sense' and then I just started typing. This is what happened:

Who ever said that gravity could weigh us down so? It takes time for one to create a world of misinterpretations. There are no rules in the game of life. Break one, take a toll. Break two, lose your throat. I’ve followed lies for too long now.


-Oh well....back to homework now...*sigh*

A poem for Jesse Ca (because every once and a while we don't know our own voices)

Once upon a time, I broke a mirror.
In the fragments, I saw your face.
So, I picked up the mirror, and glued it back together.
I never saw your face again,
but I knew it was there.
Why wouldn't the mirror show me you again?
Will I always be waiting such a long time for you?
I've been picking up the pieces for as long as I know.

I never knew how many times I could count upon the stars
make a wish, dream a dream, fall into your arms.
I thought it was impossible for you to drop me on my feet,
but you did.
For all the ifs I have not said...
if I had only told you
if I had only said it straight
if you had only heard me
...I'd take them all back if you hadn't wished I was dead.
How funny it seems now, that heartbreak follows.
How funny it seems now, that I can't seem to focus.
Let the light in. Draw a curtain.
Sit down and listen well. I have too much to tell.
This isn't a story. This isn't a rhyme.
This is always and only- time.
So don't forget me, so I can forget you.
Tell me you never meant to wish me unwell.
All we have is time. Were they all wasted years in your mind?
They seem to always find me in unusual places.
Haunting my days, Damning my nights.
Follow the footsteps. Don't lose the beat.
Tread carefully or you'll step on my feet.
I listened always.
Talked often.
Never knew I'd fall such a ways.
There are secrets you never knew.
When once upon a time I fell for you.

(There's a quote I forget from a movie I forget. It's about Big Love. It goes something like 'If you love someone, it takes a month or so to move on with your life. If you have big love for someone, it takes years to get over them. If you have huge love for someone, it takes your whole life to get over them.' I know, I know...I suck at remembering quotes. It's just that that one stuck in my mind. So...yeah.)

The quiet cease to be heard over the wall of white

When the world stands still, I think it must be snowing.
There are no exceptions to a beautiful day.
Sometimes the sun is shining, but you can't feel it's warmth.
Sometimes the snow is blowing, but you're already numb.
Snow angels just don't seem so sweet anymore, when worry is weighing you down.
Small children hold wishes in the palm of their hands, and then, when the time is right,
they blow with all their might and send the wishes out into the world. Is that snow?
Is it warm inside his hands? Would he mind if I held them, if only to keep warm?
I wish I was the snowflakes that landed on your eyelashes and fell on your cheeks.
I've wanted so long and now all I want to do is fall asleep in the snow; make a pillow out of it's fluffiness, make a blanket to keep warm.
I've been tired for too long.

'I just have all these pent-up sexual urges.'
'And out from the horde steps the clique of girls with processed hair.'
'The Comeback to what's hot and what's not.'
'Oh my gosh...she's wearing the not stuff...and yet, she wrote it. How...odd.'
'I just wish I could stay out here...in the snow.'

New

Wrigley's
Juicy Fruit
Blue
Artificial Flavour
Sugarfree Gum
12 pieces
with/avec Sorbital, Maltitol, Mannitol, Acesulfame-Potassium, Aspartame

My Bus Ride with the Michelin Man.

To be continued...as I have absolutely no time right now...
Oh and I have a very distinct feeling Jesse is either going to love me or feel the need to kill me. Ha. Okay. Bye bye now.

English - 'Mama always used to say that if you want something done right, you have to fit the pieces together yourself.'

Gym - Guillaume has abs....oh dear..

Science - 'Can't someone die from your peanut butter cell? Allow me to demonstrate by putting this rusty spork in your heart.'

Journalism - 'The life of the lonely trashcan.'

Lunch - 'These m&m's are cold.'

Today I ate expired cinnamon buns and golgi apparatuses. Oh, and I ate a couple of smooth endoplasmic reticulums too. I licked the ribosomes...but they didn't taste spicy or anything.

I'm going to write a poem...because I feel like it.

His hands encircled her throat,
his eyes drowned her.
His hand felt hot on her cheek,
like she had been splashed with boiling water.
But it was just another day.
She sat beside him,
in the park.
His hands encircled hers.
His dream-like eyes never left hers.
Her cheek resting softly against his.
It was just another day.
She was dying.
She was living.
He was hate.
He was love.
He was just another day.

For Jesse Ca

Okay, so since I didn't give you a note on Friday because I was being ditched...I shall write it up here.

Okay, so I had a dream that Jeff was in on thursday night. I had another one last night, he was in there too...except that time, Veronica was in it too...I can't remember much...but they were all strange. Like the thursday night one, I was going to a bar or something and thought there would be no one my age, but it turns out the when I got in the bar, it was only a bunch of guys hanging around a computer. One guy was Jeff...it was odd. I can't remember the one I had last night...or this morning, or however you want to think of it. I just thought I'd tell you.

In my dream, the world was ending.

I think I have a broken family, but I am the one that keeps turning the crank.

I keep thinking of better times...I'm suddenly so cold, I have goosebumps on my arms...I feel sick. Swimming...and hurray, it's almost my time of the month. Ha! *crawls into desk drawer and hides* I do not want to feel like this. I do not want to be so small.

Do you guys remember that story? About the princess who goes into the world of the gremlins or something...and then....oh dear, I can't remember. Perhaps I shall google it. It was a movie, I remember that.. Here's what I found:
An animated adaptation of George MacDonald's fairytale. Princess Irene and the courtiers within her castle home do not believe in the existence of such dark, ignoble creatures as goblins. But the folk who dwell in the surrounding villages know too well that goblins are real and that they lurk in the darkest places beneath the mountains which they mine for a living. When Irene strays into the woods she finds herself face-to-face with a marauding band of goblins. But a young mining boy, Curdi, rescues her with his heartfelt singing - goblins can't abide such a fearful sound. Later in the depths of the mines, Curdi stumbles upon the environs of the goblin kingdom where he overhears the goblin prince, Froglip, as he schemes to overpower those detestable humans or 'Sun People' as he calls them, once and for all. Froglip aims to take Princess Irene's hand in marriage and bring about the downfall of her people and kingdom. Guided by the spirit of the Princess' Great-Great Grandmother, Curdi and Irene must race against time to thwart Froglip and prevent his devilish plan from coming to fruition.

Anyway...it is brilliant. I love it...

I have posted a lot today...

Oh, terrific. My dad thinks I'm deranged. I'll be the outcast of the family. Ha! Maybe they'll even take me for counselling. Bring it on. High school is hell as it is. They don't understand that I can't survive if I think like everyone else. I have to be me, or else I die. I swear I will. I can't just be another fake. My mind is my only friend...and elly, but she's not here anymore. I mean...well, you know what I mean. I'm talking like a crazy person. I'm not going to murder anyone. I'm not going to do something insane. They just can't handle the fact that I have my own thoughts. They can't handle that their perfect little girl isn't so perfect. Sometimes I at least wish I was accepted. Oh well, can't have everything, I guess. I feel sick and sad. I guess it's better than not feeling at all, though.

When the world seems bleak and dreary...lay down in the middle of a busy highway and make shapes out of clouds.


English 10-1 with Ms. Maxwell has turned into a very morbid class. It is also my favourite class. Make sense? I bet she died in a state of great pain. I bet he thought she was pretty, like a china doll.

Sometimes, things weren't meant to be fixed. Sometimes hearts just need a bit of ducttape. Feel free to punch me, I need to feel something.


When the world seems bleak and dreary...hug an electric fence for comfort. It will hug back.

"So, yeah..um, I'm late. You know what I mean?"
"Yeah...I do."
She's late...I know what that means. Track #13 on my cd just seems to help.

On a side note, we did not glare at Jeff together at lunch...I feel ditched. And, the weight of your note in my pocket. So...yeah. Fit that in your procelain palace, princess.

One day, I think I'm her friend and then I find she's made plans, in which I'm not included. It's not a big deal, I guess...but I miss being part of something. Even with other people, I find that more often are people saying their plans to me, in an enthusiastic jitter, when they don't even realize that I'm sitting here, all alone. Do they think I have better things to do? Or am I just not as accepted as I first thought? Only an outsider looking in.

The more I try to connect with people, the more I find that the people I'm already friends with are slipping farther and farther away.
The more I try to breathe, the less air I tend to have.

Her eyes pierce the sky like a yawning tiger awaiting its prey.
You never know when life can end, she says and repeats it like a mantra.
When she became a few years older, she met a boy with tears, in his eyes.
He told her, once out of isolation's grim grip, that life is not worth believing.
She frowned and sat down, confused by his words. Of course life is worth living. Why would it be not?
He shook his head and took a seat beside her. You have not lived for very long, have you?
Of course I have! I'm as old as you are.
The boy shook his head again. You have not stepped for years in their shoes. You have not felt pain. He gestured to the few that walked the halls like their feet were made of lead, their heads held down with equal weight. They all had a similiar sad frown.
They can be happy. The girl said, with belief in her words.
No. said the boy with equal belief. No, they can't.
Well, why not?
Because they are the sad ones.
Why can they not be happy? It doesn't take much. Perhaps it is the music they listen to, or the clothes they wear. It is weighing them down.
No. They choose to be sad. They choose.
Why do they choose sadness?
Because even if they chose happiness, they would never really be happy. They would be wearing a mask.
Oh.
Yes.
I think I am going to go walk in their shoes. The girl rose to her feet and kicked off her shoes. She walked slowly over to a girl sitting all alone.
The boy watched in amazement as the girl with the tiger eyes placed the lonely girl's shoes on her feet. The girl picked up her own shoes and handed them to the girl sitting on the grass. The girl laughed and put them on.
As the girl came back, with new shoes on her feet, she said, Well, this isn't so hard. I bet I could walk in everyone's shoes by year's end.
The boy just laughed in disbelief and watched as day after day, the girl's feet adorned a new pair of shoes. The boy saw everything from sneakers to sandals to boots from hot pink to dull green. Finally, near the end of the year, the girl asked the boy to switch shoes with him.
He shook his head and said no.
Well, why not? You don't have a foot fungus, do you? She laughed.
I am sad. If you walk in my shoes, then sadness will also come upon you. I could not bear that.
The girl frowned. I have walked in everyone else's shoes. Some have been sad, some have been mad, some have been joyful. Your shoes cannot possibly hold more pain than the others.
The boy shook his head again.
What are you afraid of?
The boy sighed and slipped off his shoes, knowing he could not win. He exchanged them with the girl.
By the end of the day, the girl had grown real quiet and would look at the world through a crooked stare. When the last bell rang, she sank to her feet and said quietly to the boy, How do you do this, everyday?
The boy slid down beside her, saying nothing.
The girl had tears in her eyes and let them fall freely down her face. She stood up slowly, and the boy followed. She said in a whisper, I have walked in your shoes. Now, I want you to be happy. She leaned over and kissed the boy, wrapping her arms around him.
The boy stepped back and broke the kiss. He slipped off one of her shoes and one of his and exchanged them so now they were both wearing a shoe of each. He gazed for a long time at her then said, You were in my shoes. I do not want you to just want me to be happy. I want you to want to be happy too.
The girl returned his gaze and said, I am happy. I have stepped in everyone's shoes and your shoes are the only ones that really made me feel. That is the most wonderful thing in the world. To feel. She kissed him once more, and this time the boy did not break the kiss, but kissed the girl back.

When I was six,
I wished upon a shooting star for what I most desired.
I wished for a pony to ride across rainbows.
When I was nine,
I wished upon a shooting star for what I most desired.
I wished for a best friend to laugh with.
When I was 12,
I wished upon a shooting star for what I most desired.
I wished for my parents to stop fighting and love each other again.
When I was 15,
I wished upon a shooting star for what I most deisred.
I wished for his kiss upon mine and our hands to be held until forever.
Now,
I've stopped wishing upon shooting stars.
There is no magic in dying stars. Only the prayers of young children, weighing them down.

Sometimes I wonder where one person stops and another begins.
There is not enough air left for you.
I can't stop what you started.
When I smile...I see your face in the clouds.
Once when I was young,
I breathed in your scent and forgot the world was an unhappy place.
Randomness is a key factor of all who forget or will forget or have already forgotten.
Speak your words only when you want to be heard.
When you will you not be heard? I can't stop them.
Do you know what this means?
Or why he smiles at her? And watches her so intently?
Why does she not look back at him? Perhaps she is afraid of the truth.

Perhaps I should explain my list. Jesse remind me to tell you about my list.

Okay, so Jesse told me to write the most defining moments of my life or whatever. I doubt I'd be able to think of any, at all. But for her sake, I will try. Most of them are last year, I guess.

1. Erika - Floosy, Jacknut and Hooker. Maybe she wasn't really there at all.
2. Babyface Killers
3. 'I love you.' 'No, you don't.'
4. 'What?' Oh dear god, that was annoying.
5. Spanish philosophies
6. Frisbee at Prince's Island Park with Holly.
7. Leadership - black and white balloon filling. Fun.
8. Advice Girl - 'there's a thin line between loving someone and stalking them'
9. The Oasis
10. Mike teaching me skateboarding and falling, only to have him catch me.
11. Suprise party at Prince's Island. I remember walking on the bridge and falling when I could see.
12. Trying to be nice. That was the year I started to become myself. I started to be me.

So, there you go...woo. Not all the stuff but the stuff I can remember right now.

And somehow, I can't help noticing that he doesn't wear a seatbelt.

Having a cold sucks. Death to sickness!! Ugh....

"Oh my god. Look at those girls sitting on the lawn. They're so ugly! Ew!"

"Ha ha! Kyle's pimpin'! Look, he's got a girl on his lap."

"Do you do drugs?" "Maybe." "Come on! Tell me!" "Well, do you?" "No. I used to though. They're bad. I used to get blackouts all the time. I wouldn't know where I was or what I had been doing." "Oh." "Yeah. So, do you do drugs?" "Maybe."

Betwixt is a funny word. It means 'between'. I shall try to use it in one of my sentences sometime soon.

Dearest Lucy,
When the heavens call, they call out your name. I am forever following them, in hopes of finding you. Sometimes I have to sit down to rest and I find myself perplexed by the sight of small children playing a game with sticks in a nearby field. They seem so peaceful and they're always laughing. Oh, how I wish you were here, Lucy. I carry your picture with me always. The edges are torn and worn out, but your smile never fades. How I wish I was with you.

I love you,

- Flint


Dearest Flint,
Could tears not bring you closer to my heart? How often it seems I hear your soft laughter in my ear. How often I call out your name just to realize you have already left me. There is no hope left for the people of this small town. I miss you dearly. I may be gone when you get back. Do not try to find me. I will find you, even if I am gone by then. Please hurry, Flint. I shall not go without seeing your face before I go. There is only sadness when I am without you. Even the call of the mockingbirds in the morning cannot make me face another day.

I love you,

- Lucy

When I kissed you, you started to disappear.
Little by little, you faded whenever I came near.
I can't live without you.
But you can't live with me.
I miss the warmth of your hand on mine.
I miss the colours of your eyes.
Everytime I see you, I fall a little, die a little.
Everytime you smile so weakly at me, I catch my breath and cry.
There's too much hurt in the world for you to be unhappy,
so I let you go.
And I watch you fly.

Bits of string, watches that don't tell the time, keys to which there is no door, and other useless junk, to be used at your discretion. Please, be careful.